Wednesday, September 26, 2012

a magician?

You know how sometimes when you're trying to empty a container and, because you can't see the contents, it seems like the package is holding an impossibly greater amount that there is physical space available.  Ya know, like Mary Poppins' purse?

If her purse were, in fact, the mode of transport for my recent abundance of bad luck, I'd venture to guess that we'd just have pulled out the kitchen sink.

For reals.

Seriously, I should learn magic or something.  Really.  I'm learning humility.

It seems that while I cannot pull a rabbit from a hat, I am becoming quite talented in the art of sending men into a black hole.  So maybe my afore fondly spoken of potential suitor has not completely taken the plunge, but he certainly has sunk behind the curtain.


God bless her, my mama is now sending me articles about dating in my thirties.  Because, ya know, every other instructional manual has been helpful and stuff.

It's a good thing I'm getting better at learning from my experiences.  That I'm getting my crazy under control.  That I'm becoming a happier, more resilient person. Because I sure was havin' a little bit of a fantasy sequence about telling Prince Charming a little about a couple of things.

But.  I stopped myself from making a complete and utter fool of myself any kind of contact.  And.  I leaned a little into the discomfort of the dark and ominous realization that I had been stood up.  for the second time.  And I found just a tiny piece of power hanging out way down deep in my gut.  And I clung to it.

For so long, I have hid behind my words to find a sense of power.  Specifically, my angry words.  Words that are meant to cut.  A little act of revenge for putting me in a situation where I felt powerless.

Today, again I stopped myself from mentioning it, even as he went about his daily interactions with me in a disturbingly normal fashion..

And why?  Why should a strong, independent woman not speak up for herself when she has been overlooked?

Because real power does not come from bringing someone else down.  If I can choose, and I can, I don't want to be her anymore.

Maybe he'll persist.  Maybe he'll climb out of the black hole.  Maybe he'll sink in.  It sucks to be overlooked and not be granted the simple respect of an explanation.  But really, what else is a girl to do?

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