it's the little things

It's Thursday again, y'all.  The second Thursday in November and right now that's a little bittersweet.  On one hand, I'm pretty pumped to be linking up with my blogger-buddy Julia and being thankful and all; but, it just hit me that this is only my 3rd post this month.  I guess I'm still suffering a bit from my 31 Days hangover.  At any rate, I've had tons to be thankful for this week.  So, let's get this party started...

feelin' all prettified 'n stuff
Very little makes me feel prettier than looking down at my hands when they are painted pretty.  Usually, Tuesday night is my nail 'n Hart of Dixie night.  Monday night, however, it became clear that my nails just could not make it to Tuesday {honestly, they shouldn't have even made it to Monday}.  I treated myself to a new color and painted away.  I'm still smiling at the cute new color and polka dots :)

repeating numbers
Some time ago, I decided that 11:11 was not enough.  The way I figure it, whenever a number is repeated three or more times, something special is happening.  In my world, it's a little love note from God to remind me that either I'm on the right track or that everything is gonna be okay.  Sunday, I received a phone call that came unexpectedly and answered a little prayer I've been praying lately.  When I hung up the phone, the time read 2:22.  I do not think this was a coincidence. at. all.

chivalry
I'm a strong, independent woman who believes enough in her own invincibility to occasionally attempt to break up fights between students.  Yesterday was one of those occasions.  Luckily, two male teachers saved me from myself and intervened, thus saving my fragile notion of invincibility and the bag of M&M's I was eating.

more chivalry
Upon the retelling of the incident to my principal, two Army recruiters, who happened to be in checking up with another student, overheard my peril and jointly offered their assistance.  They even volunteered to teach a class for me.  Complete with PowerPoints.  I love PowerPoints.  They are men after my sweet little heart {at least in my mind, anyway}.

running ridiculous distances and the cheering squad
I ran my fifth half-marathon with my super-duper running buddy on Sunday.  Last week was horrible. Not only was I able to leave the nonsense on the course, but I had an amazing and humbling outpour of support wishing me luck, cheering me on, and congratulating my finish.

Happy Thursday lovelies,

i kind of like november

Yesterday was kind of like crossing the finish line of my first half-marathon.  Pride.  Disappointment.  Confusion.  Excitement.

31 Days of Sweetness.  Over.

But, now it's November 1st.  And I kind of like November.  It may be my favorite.  It is a thankful month and I have a lot to be thankful for.  A LOT.  

So without further ado, I'm linking up with Miss Julia over at black tag diaries for a little bit of a thankful Thursday.

Faith.  

I've been doing a lot of praying lately, y'all.  And without putting all of my business out there, I promise you I would not be out of my bed right now if I didn't have my faith in God and His perfect plan.

Friends.  

Today is one of my favorite Anonymous Beloved's birthday.  Prior to this morning, when I called to wish him happy birthday, we had not talked for almost a year.  And yet, his voice was as familiar to me as if we spoke yesterday.  There is something so comforting in knowing that my peeps have my back and it prides me to know they know I have theirs.

Additionally, I have some seriously amazing AB's who have supported me, prayed for me, and put up with my crazy out of sheer love.  When I look through my text messages and replay certain recent events in my head, I am humbled at the amazing people who bless my life.

Family.
Maybe I'm a bit biased, but I have an amazing family. Enough said.

Happy November Lovlies,

day 21: impossibilities

"Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said: 'one can't believe impossible things.''I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.'"

- Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

Source: pinterest.com via Nabil on Pinterest

There are a lot of different takes on how it happened, but Alice fell through the rabbit hole and no matter which version is being told, nothing happened the way anyone expected it to.  Some days are strange like that.  Maybe the cat doesn't talk, the Queen of Hearts isn't breathing down our necks, and we don't have to fight the Jabberwocky.  But maybe, just maybe, we're caught in a day where other's expectations have us feeling trapped.  Where we feel like we will simply burst if we have to put on the act one. more. minute. 

A girl can just simply not be sweet when she is suffocated with all of the rules of the should's and must's.  It's why sweet has to come freely from the heart.  

A free heart is one that is open.  It is free to dream and explore and make mistakes and have successes.  A free heart is not stifled.  It is childlike and open to impossibilities because impossibilities do not even exist.

If we get caught up in believing everything that we are told as truth, well, we simply will have nothing else to do except find ourselves searching frantically for an escape.

Whether we realize it or not.

  

How many impossible things have you believed today?

day 16: pray

I often compare my runs to life, it seems that each little run is a lesson that helps me move forward in my everyday life a little more smoothly; but, I also like to compare the bigger picture of life to a vacation with a lot of different people.  Almost ten years ago, my family took a four-generation, seventeen-person, two-minivan vacation to Florida.  Both grandmas needed wheelchairs, one needed to be pushed while the other refused to sit down; my step-grandpa wanted to go to Gatorland; the little girls wanted to be princesses; my brother was afraid of the water at SeaWorld; and, my mom and aunt made us all wear matching t-shirts.  We all had stuff we wanted to do, expectations for the trip, and the mutual conclusion that if we couldn't get along, we wouldn't have fun.  I think life is like this.

One of my Anonymous Beloveds is a tremendous planner.  I'm not gonna lie, I love to vacay with her because everything is always taken care of.  Even when something I'm not super into is on the agenda, I'm able to relax and enjoy it {some times more than others} because she's got everything under control.  I know for a lot of people in my life, I represent a similar calmness and security.  We all represent this for at least one person in our lives.

And, sometimes it's a lot for a girl to carry on her shoulders.  But, y'all already know that.

It's no surprise {or probably a coincidence, either} that I've been working through some stuff as I've been writing this series.  In a way, we're always working on something {or working on not working on it}.  It always is just a wee bit funny when the thing I've been searching for has been in my face, under my nose, or in my hand almost mocking me while I've run around like a cray-cray trying desperately to find it.  And of course, it's way worse when I'm über-stressed about all of things I've got to get done and all of the people who need all of the other things, and so on and so forth. So here's what smacked me in the face yesterday morning.  Y'all ready?

God is kinda like my AB, except with way more resources and is not at all daunted by carrying it all on His shoulders.  He's ready to take the load.

Then, I realized that in the midst of all of this stuff, I had forgotten to pray.

Source: thebestpinterestpics.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

The thing is that praying isn't just about asking God for the things and outcomes that we want; it's about confiding in Him our deepest fears and concerns and asking for advice.  It's a conversation.  And it doesn't always take place while I'm on my knees at the side of the bed.  Sometimes it takes place while I run.  Sometimes over my morning coffee.  And sometimes, little signs like repeating numbers or the hourly notifications I set on my phone telling me that God is in control reminder me that I'm on the right track or that I need to get back on it.

When I first got my man-eaters, I read A LOT of books about dog training.  One of the most consistent piece of information I learned, no matter the method, was that dogs need to re-learn everything you teach them in every new situation they are in.  Humans are like that, too.  It so explains why I give great advice that I, for the life of me, cannot follow myself.  {It's okay to nod your head a little bit if you see a little bit of yourself in this, I won't tell.}  It also explains how I forgot to pray.

Stuff can be throw-you-off-the-tracks-completely hard.  Really, it's just a new opportunity to learn something new or master a tactic.  For me, it's been a little bit of both and prayer is a necessary piece to lightening the load.  I know for sure that carrying it all around does not a sweet lady make.

pear-shaped madness

Ya wanna know which fictitious character I feel most like today?  Veruca Salt.  You know the bratty little girl who's daddy schemed a golden ticket for her, the one who hooted and hollered every time she saw something she just knew she had to have, the one who befell her demise chasing after a golden egg.  Yeah.  Her.

Photo Credit: FanPop

My mini me has been screaming, "I want it NOW!" in the back of my head for the last day or so.  I wish it was simply a golden goose egg (or a specially trained squirrel apparently, if you've read the book) that would satiate the Miss-Salt-like squawking.

Of course, let's be real here.  The egg wouldn't have satisfied her in the movie and what I think I want right now ain't gonna fix a thing either.  Well.  Maybe just a little bit.  For now, anyway.

What I want right now, really truly, is to be able to trust that this super handsome potential suitor I've been seeing is for real.  And.  Here's the thing.  There's no real reason, except my own insecurities, preventing me from doing it.  Because you see, we're at just the right point in this budding relationship that my crazy should start acting up, terrified of what one. more. disappearing act is gonna do to my faith in the male gender.  Turns out that I'm in the midst of a supremely vicious cycle that happens to have everything a little pear-shaped right now.  

My mama has always told me that hind sight was 20/20.  It's easy to look back and see all of the things I've done wrong and even to imagine how I could've done them better.  It's really really really hard, in the midst of pear-shaped madness to remember those lessons, much less find the serenity I had before the crazy came back to visit.

They say that good things come to those who wait, but waitin' is so dang hard.  And waiting with any sense of integrity can be plain old agonizing.  Right now, waiting is making me want to stomp my feet, throw a fit, and chase that stupid golden egg to my own inevitable demise.  Or just burrow into my bed for a couple of days.

Oh.  Wait a minute.  I've done that.

And it repeatedly gets me.... that's right, you've guessed it!  NO WHERE.

You know how the saying goes, if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.  A self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will.

But, I'm not gonna do it this time.  Nope.

One of things I remember most from the good ol'days of The Oprah Show, was Oprah quoting Maya Angelou,  "when you know better, you do better."  I believe I finally know better enough to understand how to do it better.  This time, even if it doesn't work out or he falls off the face of the earth, I will know that I did better.  I will know that I was not a victim.  And, I will not be angry at him for failing to read my mind or for being flawed enough to *gasp* have more purpose in life than to simply please me.

So, this is where I change my course, scrape together all of my remaining composure, and let myself be a little more vulnerable than I'm comfortable with.  It's okay to feel uneasy.  It's okay to be scared strait out of my new Jessica Simpson heels.  It's even okay to let this so-far great guy off of the hook that he probably doesn't even know exists.

Wish me luck, 'cause instead of diving in after that golden egg, I'm gonna sit tight, stay sweet, invest some time in learning about him, and trust that I'm gonna be okay.  no. matter. what.

Cheers to moving forward,

remission

Two days ago I contacted a potential suitor after a brief, hmmm, hiatus, shall we say.  I don't know why I did it; and even though I'm glad I did, I don't really know how I feel about breaking my leave-the-boy-alone rule either.  But I did it.  And I learned something about myself in the process.  

So,  you should know first that I have a history of being ditched by potential suitors.  In hind sight, most of them were doing me a favor.  I'd like to think that they are all just intimidated by my awesomeness, but let's be real.  My crazy probably drove them away.  Not to worry though, y'all, my crazy is in rehab.  I'm certain after my little relapse that all is well in the anti-crazy kingdom.  

At any rate, this PS did the ceremonial disappearing act after a fantastic conversation where he complimented my beautiful smile, made tentative plans for a future date, and called me sugar.  Swoon for real.  It is so hard to remember the rules of crazy rehab when a boy is telling me such sweet things, ugh!    However, upon constantly reanalyzing reflection of the situation, I have determined that my crazy was well in check during our entire, however brief, get-to-know-each-other period.  

And so he disappeared.  No explanation, ok, well sort of, but determining when an explanation is just that and when it's an excuse is a whole other discussion.  The not-so-gradual fade-away.  We're well acquainted.  This is where the first piece of proof that crazy boot camp is working: I didn't text or call or anything.  No twitter.  Nothing.  Just this deserves me a trophy!

But then the relapse.  

It was just a little text.  I was actually surprised that he responded, truth be told.  At first, I caught myself having fantasy sequences about how he missed me so much and how he was going to realize my amazingness.  He simply responded, acted like it hadn't even been three weeks, and didn't even make an apology.  Abort fantasy sequence.  But this post isn't about how he should have acted or what he should have said, hell, it's not even about him.  It's about me and my journey and about how this little incident marked all new territory for me.  Because the remarkable part of this whole interaction was that, despite the pitter-patter that he made my heart go during that conversation before the fade-away,  I was able to see him for who he was, hear what he was really saying, and deduce that regardless of his choices, I AM FINE!  HA!  

Who knows what will happen with this guy, maybe he'll prove to be someone different than he has recently come across and maybe not.  What I do know is that whatever he decides, I have entries to write, miles to run, an iPad cover to decorate, and other PS's to date :)

Pretty soon, I'll be able to say that my crazy is in remission. 

true life is better than fiction

I read once that real writing, the stuff worth reading, is the stuff that scares its author.  I'm processing through one of those pieces right now, but in the mean while, I thought I'd leave you with two books whose authors', I'm sure, were terrified to write.

A powerful story of forgiveness.  It got a little bit preachy at the end, but WOW! is all I can say about this woman's story.

sent. shivers. down. my. spine. repeatedly.  This book took me zero time to read, is well written, and has been in my head since I finished it.

Have any of you read either of these?  What did you think?

Happy reading, y'all :)

the long way is, in fact, longer

One of my favorite quotes from the movie Big Fish says something to the effect that the long way may be easier, but that it sure is longer.  Ironic, right?

Once for several weeks during a summer in college, I worked at a business owned by a family friend in north-eastern Indiana, two hours away from where I lived at the time. I would drive up on Monday morning and stay until Thursday, then drive home.  The first time I went, I refused to get directions from a person insisting instead that I would just get them off of the internet.  I've always been a sucker for new technology, and at the time, MapQuest was NEW technology.  Oh, I got the directions, alright.  And despite following those directions meticulously, I ended up in Ohio.  Ohio.  Yup.  Ohio.  Talk about taking the long way.  I learned a little bit about pride, humility, and patience from that trip. And because of my good humor about the whole ordeal, I managed to land a couple dates with a cute mechanic, but that's a topic for another day.

Of course, that was not the first, nor will it be the last time, that I stubbornly refused to accept help and managed to embark on a longer journey than necessary.  There are benefits to the long way around though.  I've gotten to see some beautiful country and learned a lot about my strength and really refined my beliefs in God.  In fact, taking the long way around is often a hidden blessing.  It's only when we lose faith and patience that it seems to hinder us.  It's a chance to stop and smell the flowers and see the world from outside of our comfort zone.  If, that is, we take the opportunity.  

prayer run

I used to think that I didn't know how to pray, I knew I wanted to, but I just didn't know how.  Then it occurred to me one day, while I was sitting and drinking my coffee enjoying the silence of the new day, that God, like an old friend, and I were really talking over coffee--that I'd been praying all along.  Over time, my relationship with God has grown and I pray in the morning over coffee and at night on my knees. An AB and their situation is heavy on my heart today.   Today, I felt that I would continue my prayers into my run.  What better way to get closer to God than by using His body to explore the world He created.

For four miles, I concentrated and prayed.  I prayed for peace.  I prayed for guidance.  I prayed for strength.  I prayed for my AB.  My mama always says that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  And it occurred to me as I came to the hill that never ends that I earlier this summer, I couldn't run that hill at all.

But what are the hills for?  Who cares if I'm stronger than yesterday?  Sure it makes a pretty picture to stare at in the mirror and can earn lots of shiny medals; but really, a strong body comes from a strong faith that you are doing what is best for your body, a trust that you can push yourself further than you ever thought possible and still live to tell about the journey, the strength to keep pushing when everything seems to be crumbling around you.  And sometimes all of this faith and trust and strength isn't for our own benefit; sometimes its for the benefit of the people whose lives God has brought us into.  Sometimes all of our work provides the calm in the middle of someone else's storm.

God never intended our lives to be easy, I think that's the misconception.  God gave us hills, sometimes so steep and big and arduous, that we think we will never reach the top.  But we do.  God gives us plateaus and valleys too, so that we can appreciate the lessons and catch our breath.  There are times during a run that I concentrate on putting one foot down in front of the other, but really, my body just works.  In fact, it is when I let go of the push and let my body do it's job that I run best, even up those hills.  Isn't that what the Bible tells us to do, let go of the idea that we have any real control and give it to God?  What a beautiful and extraordinarily difficult lesson to remember, let alone apply.  Especially because what I really want is to DO something for my AB, I want to BE there, I want FIX it.  And.  I can't for so many reasons that are beyond my control.  Well.  I can pray.