terror.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  -Marianne Williamson 

Life would be simpler if we could just live perpetually.  And be happy.  Ugh.  Living perpetually, according to habit, following the rules of what’s always, and changing only when there’s no other choice; but where is the glory?  Can we truly enjoy the beauty around us when we take for granted that it’s always going to be there?  I think no.  

As I progress into the uncharted territory of a new life, I’m almost overwhelmed at the possibilities that seem available all of a sudden.  Have these always been there?  Geeze!  Where have I been?  But I am not caught up in a whirlwind-of-regret terror, it is the whirlwind-of-what-if terror.  And not the what-if-I-fail variety.  What if I succeed?  What if people want to by my jellies and jams, and then they want to buy muffins and then I open a shop and then my brand and products become popular enough that I have to hire someone and then I get to negotiate with companies to mass produce my products because I simply cannot keep up with the demand and I am truly, unequivocally, glowingly happy because of my jelly baby?  

Of course, its not the fear of all of this success that really scares me.  It’s the almost crippling fear of leaving behind everything that has been comfortable in my life up until now.  A job that pays the bills, a nice car that solidifies my identity so that I don’t have to, a house that secures my small piece of the American pie.  I will have to rely on my ingenuity and ability to adapt to pay the bills.  I will have to rely on me to secure and solidify my identity (and my brand).  And, I will have to remember that the opportunity to follow my dreams IS the American dream.  

I will have to find enough confidence to believe that I am worth the success.

The crazy thing, it that just like the beautiful fruit that ends up in jars, life is not meant to be just looked at, it’s meant to be lived, savored, and enjoyed.  My good friend Paula Deen often says that “you taste your food first with your eyes” and I think that is true.  I think dreams and aspirations work the same way.  They look amazing in the mind, but the true miracle is when the other senses become involved and that sight is not longer a mirage, but becomes concrete.  Savorable.  I am fighting the potentially paralyzing fear of the unknown and reminding myself, like so many times before, that God will open doors for me.  Maybe the terror is more than a gentle reminder that I am alive and that I should really work on living rather than relying on my things and circumstances for the security of identity, comfort, and the American dream.