Thursday, January 31, 2013

shakin' in the rain

I fear social failure.

Not because I can't hold my own in social events, because I've been told that I can be quite charming once I get warmed up.

But because no matter how old I get or how many successful social experiences I have, walking into a room of strangers, especially women, takes me back to the awkward, overweight, out-of-her-social-league college freshman on her first attempt at sorority rush.

That's right, I said first attempt.

Because I did it twice.

As it turned out, it would take a summer of a make shift Mommy-Daughter Fat Camp and the help of some good 'ol point counting to help me wrap my chubby little arms around my inner diva.  I lost 15 pounds, started running {albeit slowly}, and was able to feel that I was physically similar to my new sisters.

{a side note here: in hindsight, the tragedy of my overweight story was not the weight itself, but the already unique outfits I put together, made more, um, special by my inability to choose appropriate sizes}

Flash forward to Tuesday evening when I coaxed that insecure girl into a Junior League meeting across town filled with strangers.  True, it didn't help that I was ten minutes late or that I had dropped a ketchup-covered pickle down my cardigan and onto my grey pants while trying to gobble down my quarter pounder and navigate against Siri's best directions to my foreign destination in a thunderstorm.  But.  I sucked up my courage, signed myself in, found a seat, and made a b-line to grab a glass of complimentary wine.

You know, I was okay!

I was once told that sometimes you just have to fake it until you can make it.  It's true that I have a sometimes paralyzing fear of strangers, although most people don't believe me.  At one point in my life, I had learned to master that fear.  Then I got comfortable.  Now, I must once again, learn to push past the fear of not being good enough and master it.


I'm off to a good start.  I left my meeting with a business card, a little spring in my step, and a little less fear.

Happy fear fighting, y'all,

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